February 2005

In this issue:

• Britney makes a boo-boo once again.
• Britney gets banned…
• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston… Back Again?
• Daniel Bedingfield and his sister… Bad Luck Galore
• Chelsy Davy spotted in Rondebosch
• Waiter's Corner
• Top Ten Movies
• The Ford Motor Corporation
• The Hazards of Skydiving
• Book review - Hillary Clinton’s new book
• You Know You're From Johannesburg When...
• The World's Best Beer
• NIGHTGUIDE'S Letter to Mr Alcohol
• SCOOP... NEW BEER WARNING LABELS
• The Thinking Mind
• Contact Us

Chelsy Davy was spotted drowning her sorrows after Prince Harry apparently gave her the pointy finger to the door. This happened after she, according to a newspaper report, told media that he (Prince Harry) is uncertain of the wedding between his dad and his new fiancé, Camilla Parker Bowles. Prince Harry furthermore said that he is under extreme family pressure, and that he think it’s best if they moved on with their lives.

Staying with Prins Harry, according to a website he chickened out with regards to an invite to Paris Hilton’s 24 th birthday party. Is it because of her reputation?

1. Shall we Dance
2. Finding Neverland
3. The Aviator
4. Team America – World Police
5. Elektra
6. A Very Long Engagement
7. Ray
8. Sideways
9. Hitch
10. Ladder 49

Here are some sorries and stories from waitresses, waiters and bar staff from around the world…

"I work in a busy Diner in Pennsville New Jersey, which happens to be Bruce Willis' hometown. Well one Saturday morning he stopped in for breakfast. He sat himself at the last seat at the counter (by the door) and asked for a cup of coffee. He was dressed very nice in a black suit, sat alone, and didn't speak much, yet had a friendly disposition. He ordered allot but ate about 2% of his food. Eggs o/medium with bacon and extra side of bacon. When he left, he tipped five or six of us servers about 5-10$ each GREAT tipper considering his bill was less than 5$ itself. I heard he wouldn’t sign autographs, but give him a break, he was eating! He seemed like a real nice guy."

"I work at the Foreign Cinema in San Francisco. It's become "a hot spot" here. We've had many celebrities frequent our restaurant. The one that I remember was Sharon Stone. I was working as a runner and my good friend was serving her and her husband. She ran my friend ragged and after presenting the bill of $139 she only left $9. On the way out she stiffed the valet. She lives in the area and has other friends in other restaurants that say she is a horrible tipper..."

The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and you got irritated because you missed the traffic light.

While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.

You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'.

You have a minimum of five worst taxi stories.

While waiting at the ATM the bank is robbed by armed gunmen, but you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue.

You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was when you took your driving test.

It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning and you think "wow, good traffic day."

Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are genuinely surprised.

You've never been to Melville or Rockey St but love Sandton City.

You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of Sunninghill after work on a Friday, but can't find Boksburg on a map.

Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.

You've seriously considered shooting someone.

You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.

You consider Midrand the 'countryside'.

You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a townhouse in the north the size of a cupboard, but think R4.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.

The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.

Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's car repayments.

What are stars?

You own hiking boots and a 4x4, neither of which have ever touched dirt.

You actually take fashion seriously.

Being truly alone makes you 'go for your gun'.

You have 20 different menus next to your phone.

You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.

You don't hear gunfire anymore.

While going under the Caltex Star Stop Bridge on the N1 towards Joburg, you catch the first glimpse of the outline of the city, and you think - aaaah, home.

You're sitting in your car, gunshots go off in the middle of the street and everyone just casually looks around and continues their daily routine.

You greet the windscreen-washing man at the robot of Glenhove and the onramp to the M1 north by his name.

Even the police pause momentarily at a red light before driving on late at night, so as to avoid being victim of hijacking.

Sad but so true…

Dear Alcohol,

I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's shag." While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.

Sincerely

The NIGHTGUIDE Team