February 2005
Welcome to the February edition of the NIGHTGUIDE Newsletter
We say what we want to say, do what we want to do, and inform whomever we want to inform, bringing you all the latest news, gossip and revealing the truth as we investigate our articles.
Britney makes a boo-boo once again.
| Apparently Teen Sensation Britney Spears went out for a meal at an undisclosed venue. After letting her bill transform to the rough amount of R2200-00, she gladly tipped her waiter the grand total of R5-50 when the bill arrived. Not bad for someone of her status we should say. |
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Britney gets banned.
| Staying with the Teen Queen, once again she managed to draw some NIGHTGUIDE attention. The TV advertisement for her new perfume called “Curious Britney Spears” by Elizabeth Arden got rated as being “Restricted” from the Broadcasting Advertising Clearance Center. This means that the advertisement may only be shown after 7-30, because according to the Broadcasting Advertising Clearance Center, most kids then went off to bed a long time ago. Yea right… The 30 second add shows Britney in all her seductive ways, and the product and add is scheduled to hit the South African Market in March. |
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Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston… Back Again?
| It’s every person’s question when you mention Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston. Will they get divorced? Well, hold those thoughts for a while. According to reports they were spotted at having a great time in an up market restaurant recently, and all looked well with the couple. And according to Jennifer’s publicist, they still stay together. Well well… we’ll have to see |
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Daniel Bedingfield and his sister… Bad Luck Galore?
| Daniel Bedingfield and his sister Natasha stay in the spotlight. He survived yet another car accident that involved a truck, and his sister got targeted by thieves when her Award Outfit got stolen. |
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Chelsy Davy spotted in Rondebosch
Chelsy Davy was spotted drowning her sorrows after Prince Harry apparently gave her the pointy finger to the door. This happened after she, according to a newspaper report, told media that he (Prince Harry) is uncertain of the wedding between his dad and his new fiancé, Camilla Parker Bowles. Prince Harry furthermore said that he is under extreme family pressure, and that he think it’s best if they moved on with their lives.
Staying with Prins Harry, according to a website he chickened out with regards to an invite to Paris Hilton’s 24 th birthday party. Is it because of her reputation? |
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Top Ten Movies
Yes, we too go to the movies from time to time. If we can find someone to hold hands with that is…
- Shall we Dance
- Finding Neverland
- The Aviator
- Team America – World Police
- Elektra
- A Very Long Engagement
- Ray
- Sideways
- Hitch
- Ladder 49
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Waiter's Corner
Here are some sorries and stories from waitresses, waiters and bar staff from around the world…
"I work in a busy Diner in Pennsville New Jersey, which happens to be Bruce Willis' hometown. Well one Saturday morning he stopped in for breakfast. He sat himself at the last seat at the counter (by the door) and asked for a cup of coffee. He was dressed very nice in a black suit, sat alone, and didn't speak much, yet had a friendly disposition. He ordered allot but ate about 2% of his food. Eggs o/medium with bacon and extra side of bacon. When he left, he tipped five or six of us servers about 5-10$ each GREAT tipper considering his bill was less than 5$ itself. I heard he wouldn’t sign autographs, but give him a break, he was eating! He seemed like a real nice guy."
"I work at the Foreign Cinema in San Francisco. It's become "a hot spot" here. We've had many celebrities frequent our restaurant. The one that I remember was Sharon Stone. I was working as a runner and my good friend was serving her and her husband. She ran my friend ragged and after presenting the bill of $139 she only left $9. On the way out she stiffed the valet. She lives in the area and has other friends in other restaurants that say she is a horrible tipper..." |
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The Ford Motor Corporation
In a Ford factory, a worker comes in on Monday and tells his boss that Sunday he became a Christian and was baptized. Now that he has to live right, he wants to bring back a fair amount of parts and things he has stolen from the factory since he has worked there. He wants to make amends and is prepared to accept whatever consequences may come, including losing his job.
The boss is not sure what to do. Stealing is a firing offense, but the guy is trying to make it right. The boss sends a telegram all the way to Henry Ford, President and Founder of Ford Motor Company asking what to do. Punish him for stealing or reward him for honesty?
Mr. Ford's reply: Baptize them all. |
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The Hazards of Skydiving
A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane.
About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.
Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves? |
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Book review - Hillary Clinton’s new book
Reviews of Hillary Clinton's New Book
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno
"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." - David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." - Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible.... the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman |
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You Know You're From Johannesburg When...
The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and you got irritated because you missed the traffic light.
While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.
You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'.
You have a minimum of five worst taxi stories.
While waiting at the ATM the bank is robbed by armed gunmen, but you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue.
You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was when you took your driving test.
It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning and you think "wow, good traffic day."
Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are genuinely surprised.
You've never been to Melville or Rockey St but love Sandton City.
You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of Sunninghill after work on a Friday, but can't find Boksburg on a map.
Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.
You've seriously considered shooting someone.
You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.
You consider Midrand the 'countryside'.
You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a townhouse in the north the size of a cupboard, but think R4.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.
The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.
Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's car repayments.
What are stars?
You own hiking boots and a 4x4, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
You actually take fashion seriously.
Being truly alone makes you 'go for your gun'.
You have 20 different menus next to your phone.
You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.
You don't hear gunfire anymore.
While going under the Caltex Star Stop Bridge on the N1 towards Joburg, you catch the first glimpse of the outline of the city, and you think - aaaah, home.
You're sitting in your car, gunshots go off in the middle of the street and everyone just casually looks around and continues their daily routine.
You greet the windscreen-washing man at the robot of Glenhove and the onramp to the M1 north by his name.
Even the police pause momentarily at a red light before driving on late at night, so as to avoid being victim of hijacking.
Sad but so true…
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The World's Best Beer
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." |
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NIGHTGUIDE'S Letter to Mr Alcohol
Dear Alcohol,
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's shag." While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.
Sincerely
The NIGHTGUIDE Team |
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NEW BEER WARNING LABELS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. |
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The Thinking Mind
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries.
"That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!" |
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Contact Us
Got any saucy stories or pictures that you want to share with us? What about some pictures of your drunk mates? Why don’t you? Simply email them with a descriptive story to news@nightguide.co.za (pictures should be resized to about 30 to 50 Kb's, otherwise our mailresponders wont allow it thru.
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