July/August 2005

Britney… the Child and the Child within…

Being the Webmaster and a DJ, I, the Webmaster never really found a soft spot for the teen-sensation Britney Spears. Probably because I can spot a con artist a mile away. I mean… if you nee to show o your body, kiss Madonna and throw tantrums around every imaginable corner just to get noticed, you got to be a humiliating music artist to say the least.

Fact is, she is still a child. In my opinion, she should have stayed with her title as Children-TV presenter until she figured out how to become a real artist. Baby-face looks and soft, shiny lips might sell records with people that have got the same mentality as her, but not with DJ’s and people that appreciate music for what it means and where it comes from. Most of her songs are what teens would like to hear, or what teens simply can’t stop yapping about anyway.

So, as we look back at Britney’s short-lived career as a teen sensation, we need to ask ourselves this one very important question… “Is it really still worth listening to her?” Let us take a look…

After 5 albums, one Greatest Hits Collection, two marriages and a smooching session with Madonna, controversies and countless tantrums, do we really still care what Britney has got to say? After she single-handedly revived the teen pop scene back in 1999 with the childish “look I’m a hot Lolita” image and the dreadful “Baby one more time”, she basically created a whole new market for other artists… and in the process, knocked a nail into her own coffin every time she tried something.

Along came all the other Britney “wannabe’s”… all those other irritating artists jumping on the same bandwagon… taking their own cut of the pie…

• You want a more sophisticated Britney Spears? Try Nora Jones or Michelle Branch.
• Want a tomboy Britney… no problem… just listen and look at Avril Lavigne.
• Want a sassy Britney? Try Beyonce!!
• Want a rude Britney? Tatu is your answer!!
• Want to listen to Britney’s Twin? Buy yourself a Jessica Simpson album!!
• Not to mention all the other "wannabe" artists we can go on naming that cant make it on their own, so they just had to jump on to a gravy train of their own!!
• Like Dirty Britney… Christina Aguilera… Mandy Moore… Hilary Duff… Josh Stone… and so the list just keeps going on and on…

Back in her days Britney won numerous awards… including 7 Billboard music awards, the 2000 American Music Award, 3 World Music Awards, the 2005 Grammy for the best Dance Recording, The VH1 award for the best Bellybutton Appearance, etc etc… but who had the say in the votes of most of these awards… the Kids!!!

Girls al over the world, some already in college were singing along to her cheesy lyrics… Boys were searching the net to find pictures of Brintney nude or Britney Spears flashing some flesh. Face it, she was a Idol… for a little while…. And a ticking time bomb!!

In 2001 Britney got tired of her “I’m a virgin” image. Every time Christina Aguilera shot a “dirty” Music video, Britney would go one step further and show some more flesh. She tried everything to get more attention than her rivals.

As if this pathetic gesture weren’t enough, she tried her hand at acting, Starring in a movie called “Crossroads”, which was clearly a disaster to say the least. She even showed up an hour late for the premiere of the movie, and then gave fans that waited in the soaking rain to meet her the cold shoulder!!

She amazingly tried the same “they can wait for me, cause I’m Britney and I may be late if I feel like it” stunt with the opening of her restaurant, which closed down just as fast as it opened. As if this wasn’t enough she cancelled a concert in Mexico with no solid grounds after performing only some 4 songs… because she can…

Things only got worse for her. Her parents separated… Justin Timberlake dumped her and her third album turned up disappointing sales. So she started munching away, drowning her sorrows in alcohol and smoking the nights away on cigarettes, doing party-drugs and getting all sorry for herself.

Things got so bad that she had to use a two-year-old photograph of herself for the cover of her album “Greatest Hits”!!

To make herself feel better, she probably decided to smooch Madonna, just to get some attention focused on her again. It was short-lived, and she had to find new ways to keep the press hot on her heels.

We wont even go into her marriages and the way in which they were conducted… but now the child is pregnant… with a child… or twins… who knows…. And who really cares??

Britney made some crazy demands for her big day. The day she will give birth that is...

The day of the big pop she will be booked into the Arizona Healthcare Shea Hospital. She made reservations for herself, on condition that the rooms on either side of her’s remain unoccupied for the duration of her stay.

She furthermore requested that all the staff must undergo a background check and that the hospital director and her mom of all people must interview them!!

She wants white and yellow roses in her room when she gets there, and after the birth, the room must be filled with blue roses if it is a boy and pink roses if it is a girl.

Britney also asked for Catered food, but rumor now has it that she might just bring her own chef. The room will cost her around R90000-00 for a 48hour rental, and she requested a DVD player, VCR and a CD player as well.

Hope she’s got something left o buy the newborn some toys….

Nightguide has done it again!! We went completely nuts… as usual…. Defined all laws and broke all the rules of any relationship. If you ever caught your partner cheating on you, you now have the opportunity to get back at them.

Simply post a picture, no matter how humiliating, and the full story, and we will publish it for the world to see…

Just think of that look on your X’s face if he sees himself on the World Wide Web and reads the truth on how they got caught red-handed!!

Revenge is o so sweet!!

Local rock sensation Jesse Jordan plans to release his DVD early next year. Shooting for the DVD is currently in progress, and from the looks of it he likes to have a lot of live atmosphere captured in his DVD.

We wish him all the best of luck for the shooting and the release.

Imaging the biggest, Baddest Bangra-Beats you have ever heard in your entire life!! Yes, that’s right… we will be bringing you not one, not even two, but three Bombastic Bollywood parties across South Africa.

It’s going to be a Samoosa Party, to say the least. Kicking off at Town, Claremont on the 30 th of July, tickets will cost R40-00 at the door, and R50-00 for VIP’s.

Then we pack our spices and head off to East London to the famous Numbers Nightclub, to bring you a spectacular Bollywood sensation on the 19 th of August. Tickets will cost you only R40-00 as well.

After concurring the East London community, we will pick up the peaces and head straight Port Elizabeth, where we will mesmerize the Bollywood Nation at Club Xtreme. Here too you will find that tickets will not cost more that R40-00 each!!

We promise you that our DJ’s, Sam Roy (KFM), Rakesh Ramdhin and DizzyD (Dhenesh) will not disappoint you, and this will surely be a first of it’s kind in South Africa. Expect to find Lasers; sexy dancers and loads of prizes, free booze, and of course Nightguide’s exclusive coverage!!

Watch Nightguide’s Upcoming Events Page for more details

Rumor has it that Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake might just soon be a bit more than just another couple in Hollywood. Maybe its time for Justin to pop that big question… since

They both have so many things in common, like needing a place they can call home. After all, both of them are traveling a lot and don’t really have a spot of their own. Also don’t forget that Cameron is almost 33, and for a woman of that age the urge of having a baby can get pretty big.

According to sources Cameron wants a small wedding ceremony should she get married, on a beach in her bikini, and afterwards she would like to have hotdogs. Justin on the other hand wants something big.

If it is going to happen, we don’t know, but we’ll have to wait and see…

This month we were in two minds about our feature movie, so after a bit of string pulling we decided on two. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Lords of Dogtown.

Lets start with the one that needs the least introduction of the two,

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Starring Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore, David Kelly, Noah Taylor and Helena Bonham Carter, this classic just got a new breath of life due to the excellent remake of the classic novel.

Willy Wonka, the eccentric chocolatier is at it again, and looking for a child to pass his factory on to should he pass one day, he starts a competition. Charlie, along with 4 other kids draw golden cards from the chocolate bars and each wins a guided tour through the factory that no outside person has seen for the last 15 years. This guided tour takes them on a magical, unreal adventure of a lifetime.

Lords of Dogtown.

Starring John Robinson, Emile Hirsch, Victor Rasuk, Rebecca De Mornay, Heath Ledger.

The year is early 1970’s, and being a hippy, being funky, cool and having a style of your own is all that counts. Now imagine a group of friends that see some inspiration in the long winding roads of Venice, California, and incorporate their surfing skills into a new, fresh and dangerous new sport now known as X-treme Skateboarding, but back then as just being nuts!!

Their unique style soon draws the attention of companies and brand leaders, all wanting a piece of them. They are an instant success at skateboard competitions, and there is no shortage of girls either.

But what happens when the big sponsors move in and money sticks out its evil head? Will the friendship of this group last as their favorite pastime turns into a profitable business. Will they still rub shoulders as they each start to form their own personalities?

Rumor has it that Tom Cruise is getting bloated, and red in the face with anger after Brooke Shields apparently confessed to taking drugs to help her cope with her growing depression. Tom on the other hand wants nothing of this sort, and it is frankly annoying him a bit.

What happened to all those Famous people? Let us find out...

	Monica Lewinsky BEFORE... Born in San Francisco in 1973. Was originally an unpaid intern at the White House in 1995, but later became a paid worker in the White House office of legislative affairs and moved to the defense department in 1996 Was questioned as part of the investigation into Paula Jones' claim of sexual harassment against American president Bill Clinton. Both Lewinksy and Clinton denied having an affair, but tape recordings made by a colleague of Lewinsky's suggested otherwise. Clinton later admitted on television that he did have an affair and asked for forgiveness.
	AFTER... Spends a lot of time promoting her biography "Monica's Story". In a TV interview, said she loved Bill Clinton and had hoped that they might marry after he left the White House. Has become a spokeswoman for the diet company "Jenny Craig". Monica now lives in New York City where she sells her own line of purses and accessories online.
	DO YOU REMEMBER... Clinton saying that oral sex was not "intercourse" and not "infidelity". DID YOU KNOW... Her biography "Monica's Story" was written by Princess Diana's biographer, Andrew Morton The famous blue dress that Monica wore was bought in Gap
	A-Ha BEFORE... Norwegian trio which formed in 1983 and consisted of singer Morten Harket, keyboard player Magne Furuholmen and guitarist Pal Waaktaar. Their debut single "Take On Me" was not initially successful. "Take On Me" was re-recorded and with the help of a groundbreaking video in 1985 it reached number 2 in the UK charts and number 1 in America. "The Sun Always Shines On TV" reached number 1, and was followed by a series of hit singles including "Hunting High And Low", "Cry Wolf", and the title song from the Bond film "The Living Daylights"
	AFTER... In 1989, Morten Harket appeared in the Norwegian film "Kamilla Og Tyven". In 1995, Morten released a solo album called "Wild Seed" which sold over 200,000 copies in Norway In 1996, Pal's new band Savoy released their debut album called "Mary Is Coming". Morten was co-host of the 1996 Eurovision song contest in Oslo. The trio reformed in 1998.
	DO YOU REMEMBER... The animated pencil sketches in the "Take On Me" video. DID YOU KNOW... The A-ha song "Velvet" features in the soundtrack to the film "One Night At McCool's". Morten Harket dated Bunty Bailey, the girl from the "Take On Me" video.
	Samantha Fox BEFORE... Samantha Fox was born on April 15th, 1966 in London. In 1983, when she was just 16 years old, she came second in topless modeling competition in the newspaper The Sunday People. She soon found fame as a topless model and became the most famous of the Sun's "Page 3" girls. In 1986 she started a singing career and her single "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)" went to number one in 17 different countries. The album "Touch Me" followed later that year and sold almost 2 million copies worldwide
	AFTER... In the late 1980s and early 1990s Sam released the albums "Jive", "I Wanna Have Some Fun" and "Just One Night". In 1993, Sam starred in an Indian film called "Rock Dancer" which is described as a Bollywood version of the Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston film "The Bodyguard". In 1994, Sam announced she had become a born-again Christian. In 1995, she tried to re-launch her music career and as lead singer of the all girl group Sox she entered the competition to provide the UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest. She only finished 4th by public vote, however, as Love City Groove went on to represent the UK and come 10th in the main contest. In 1996, Sam posed for Playboy magazine. She later moved to New York where she had a spell as a video jockey for MTV and in 1998 she released the album "21st Century Fox". In 2003, Sam appeared in the reality TV show "The Club" where she competed against Richard Blackwood and Dean Gaffney in running a busy London club After years of rumors about her relationship with her female manager, Sam announced in 2003 that these were true and she was lesbian. In 2005, Sam and her partner Myra were injured in a car crash in Stockholm and after having to be rescued from their vehicle by firefighters, Sam was treated for whiplash.
	DO YOU REMEMBER... Sam presenting the Brit Awards with Mick Fleetwood. DID YOU KNOW... Sam is only 5 ft 1 in tall and has size 3 and a half feet At the peak of her modeling career, her measurements were 36D-23-31. She is a black belt in karate. Sam dated Paul Stanley, the guitarist from the rock band KISS
	Transvision Vamp BEFORE... In 1983, songwriter and guitarist Nick Christian Slayer spotted Wendy James singing in a club in Brighton, and soon began writing and recording songs together. These songs were intended to be the soundtrack to a sci-fi film they wanted to make called "Saturn 5" and they soon came up with a name for themselves - Transvision Vamp. Nick and Wendy moved to London and in December 1986 Transvision Vamp got a record deal. Dave Parsons (who they met in a pub) joined the band to play bass guitar, and Tex Axile, who had a flat in London near where the band were recording, met Nick, Wendy and Dave and became the keyboard player and drummer in the band. In 1998, Transvision Vamp released their debut album, "Pop Art" which included the singles "I Want Your Love", "Tell That Girl To Shut Up", "Revolution Baby" and "Sister Moon". In 1989, the follow-up album "Velveteen" was also successful and included several hit singles, including their biggest hit "Baby, I Don't Care". The band then recorded the album "Little Magnets Versus The Bubble Of Babble", but their record company delayed the release of this until 1991, and when it did finally get released it received little media attention. The album didn't have the success of the first two albums and the band soon split up.
	AFTER... Tex Axile played keyboards in a band called Max for several years and they released the album "Silence Running" before their record label dropped them in 1994. Since then he has been doing solo work, and has released the albums "Diary Of A Genius" and "Little Monsters". Dave Parsons joined the band Bush, who although having relatively little success in the UK, has been hugely successful throughout the world with hit singles including "Little Things", "Comedown", "Glycerine" and "Swallowed". After some failed attempts at song writing with Wendy James in the mid-1990s, Nick Christian Sayer has now left the music business altogether. During Transvision Vamp's final tour when things weren't going well, Wendy James wrote to Elvis Costello detailing her frustrations. In response to this, Elvis Costello wrote an albums worth of songs for Wendy which she released as a solo artist in 1993 called "Now Aint The Time For Your Tears". This was not successful, however, and Wendy was soon dropped from her record label. In 1995, Wendy got a new record deal and recorded an album called "Lies In Chinatown", although problems with the record company meant that this did not get a proper release and only a few copies of this are known to exist. After recording demos under the name Racine, Wendy moved to New York City, where she set up a record label and recorded the album "Number One". This was released in late 2004 along with the single "Grease Monkey" and both have been well received critically. A tour at many countries across the world is planned for later this year
	DO YOU REMEMBER... Wendy James' screaming. Some of Wendy's famous quotes... "I will be more famous than Madonna", "I will win an Oscar"... DID YOU KNOW... Wendy used to date comedian Rowland Rivron. Wendy was abandoned as a baby, and ran away from her adopted family when she was 16.
	The A-Team BEFORE... First shown in 1983, "The A-Team" was an action shows about 4 Vietnam veterans framed for a crime they didn't commit, who were on the run from the US Army and were hired to protect the innocent in a series of adventures. The leader of the team was John "Hannibal" Smith, played by George Peppard. Hannibal was a master of disguise and was often seen smoking a cigar. Dirk Benedict, who had appeared in the film "Battlestar Galactica", played Templeton "Face" Peck, the con man of the team, who was popular with the ladies. The muscle of the team was B. A. Baracus played by Mr. T (real name Laurence Tureaud), a former bodyguard of among others Muhammed Ali and Diana Ross and twice named as America's toughest bouncer. "Howling Mad" Murdock, played by Dwight Schultz, was the final member of the team - a certified lunatic who the rest of the team broke out of a mental hospital
	AFTER... After five seasons, the show finished in 1987. George Peppard, who played Hannibal, had several other acting roles after "The A-Team". He had a cancerous tumor removed from his lung in 1992 and in 1994 died from pneumonia. Dirk Benedict continued to appear in TV series and films. In 1991 he released his autobiography "Confessions Of A Kamikaze Cowboy" and has also written the book "And Then We Went Fishing" along with several plays. Dwight Schultz appeared in "Star Trek: Voyager" and has also lend his voice to a number of video games including "Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance" and "Final Fantasy X". In 1995, Mr. T. was treated for cancer of the lymph system. In 2001, he appeared briefly as a janitor in the film "Not Another Teen Movie" and he still has a strong acting career in Christian cinema.
	DO YOU REMEMBER... Hannibal saying "I love it when a plan comes together". B.A. saying "I aint getting on no plane" and "I pity the fool who touches my gold". DID YOU KNOW... B. A. stood for "Bad Attitude". Mr. T. was once a professional wrestler and was Hulk Hogan's tag team partner at the first Wrestle Mania

Well, what can we say!!

Normally when we drive home after a great night of partying in Stellenbosch we spot a car or two that has left the read and landed in those awful, (useless, we might add) ditches better described as a “Roman drain system”.

From time to time we also spot a car or two that played “chicken” with an old oak tree so commonly found in Stellenbosch, and surely came second.

But what will you are thinking if you parked outside Denim & Diamonds, Stellenbosch, and got back to your car only to find your car hiding under a tree.

That’s right… hiding under a tree!! Recently this was the scenario that played itself off after a tree that stood on the pavement outside Denim & Diamonds for decades came crashing down one evening, crushing two cars.

This tree must have thrown its shadows over thousands upon thousands of tipsy students, but maybe it just felt like going to rest… for good. Two very unhappy car-owners had to wait for the municipality to come and free their wrecked cars with chainsaws. The cars are wrecks to say the least, and Nightguide will be wondering for some time what exactly went through those car-owner’s minds.

We were also wondering… how do you claim for insurance with an accident like this? Especially if it is not your fault, and you are not allowed to make a statement if you consumed alcohol.

All the best of luck, boys!! And may your fortune of good luck BRANCH out day by day. May the SHADOWS of this unfortunate event LEAF you feeling lucky and may you find your ROOTS again…

Nightguide recently visited Bloemfontein, and got some students together for a quick survey on what they know about computers... here are the results...

• Log on - Make the braai hotter
• Log off - The braai is too hot
• Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
• Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
• Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer!
• Floppy disc - What you get from lifting too much firewood at once
• Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
• Window -What you shut when it's cold
• Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
• Byte - What mosquitoes do
• Bit - What mosquitoes did
• Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
• Chip - A bar snack
• Microchip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
• Modem - What you did to the lawns
• Dot Matrix - Old Jan Matrix's wife
• Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
• Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at fast food outlet
• Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks
• Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
• Mainframe - What holds the shed up
• Web - What spiders make
• Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
• Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
• Search engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
• Yahoo - What you say when you get the bakkie started
• Upgrade - A steep hill
• Server - The person at the pub who brings out the lunch
• Mail Server - The man at the pub who brings out the lunch
• User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
• Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
• Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
• Netscape - When fish manoeuvre out of the reach of net
• Online - When you get the laundry hung out
• Offline - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

What do you do when you packed the beer, the meat, the spices, the glases, chairs… everything you need for a day out in the sun with some good buddies, and you realize that you forgot that lekker rooster of yours… that one thing we all forget from time to time… something to braai on… the braai grid.

Well, Nightguide always makes a plan, and here is the result!!

Nightguide spotted this sign in Zimbabwe recently. Now we all know that fuel for one is a very scarce commodity at the moment. We were astounded however to find the following sign at a ”filling station” for the human kind…

Count the people in this picture… wait for them to move and count them again….

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!! We don’t need no water let the Afro burn!!

What happens when you play with matches…. Especially if you were drinking… not a bit… a lot!!! As in… you are drunk!! Sloshed!! And you discover the wild working ways of a cigarette lighter?